Me bad bad.. Bad..

Hello folks..

Sorry for abandoning my dear blog and its readers. I am surprised to see several readers even after three months of inactivity.
Thanks folk, at least someone care about what I think
First and foremost…

Wish you all a very happy happy Dashing New year.
I didn’t do much on celebration per say. But you see I got my left knee broken (Torn ACL) in December second week. So I had excuse to lie lazy. Now those who are new to ACL (Anterior Cruciate Ligament), Worry not.. I spent decades without knowing about this useful piece.

I am going to start a journal for my journey with ACL injury so far and recovery there on. I have a surgery scheduled on First of feb.. So will Update.. Lemme first create my ACL injury category.

Now coming back to normal life. I have loads to share.. So much that doesn’t know where to start from.

Let’s start from last movie I saw.. The game (Anthony Hopkins and some other people) .. It was a weird chain of mysterious event happening to this old, bored banker. And in the end they tried to connect the jigsaw with a moral lesson…”You should live your fears first to release yourself totally” I liked the message. But didn’t like the way it was made..

I have been glued to ESPN for last week, thanks to Australian Open. I usually avoid TV like plague otherwise. I have got new favorites so far..

“Nadal” – Fierce player with a lot of attitude
“Tipsarvic” – What a strong character in sports.. I mean the guy Gave Rogere federer a total run for his game.
“Baghdatis” – Wonderful Sports man. You need to watch his last game with Hewitt to know why I am saying so.
I have not found new favorite in Women’s game so far.. Will add more later

what keeps us on

Ever thought what keeps you going
Is it that great career or that great partner
Or that raise in pay or the girl on next table
Or the baby yet to come
or the next little glint in eyes
What gets us out in rainy day
and makes a promise for us to stay
Sometime you cannt buy it with all the money
Its just that little fire in belly

Breaking the writing ice…

Oh god.. how can I be so insensitive to a less-known author in me.. Its fine If I am not one of hugely popular blog.. And May be no one asked me to write a novel.. still I owe my inner author this writing space.
I always thought writing was exhilarating to me. Then what happened.. Was I greedy for only writing if anyone reads? I think that ’s like a conditional love. And it s always bad. You either like doing something or you don’t.
So busy bee is back to write at her less known place. But I am glad that some people were reading it.. I mean i have not touched it in past 30 days.. And I still see occasional small hikes in my readerships. Thank you dear readers, who give chance to someone like me.. Thanks thanks thanks.. It really means a lot to me.
I had been uselessly busy in all things unimportant. Sometimes you know how you get stuck in some useless stuff.. It likes never ending. I need to post a picture of recently painted card. I will I will I will. I promise this to myself..

Heart of an Idiot…

Well I have grown to realise that only idiots are supposed to have heart touched by everything. Practical, smart and successful people dont carry their heart on their sleeves. First time I realised I am actually an Idiot by heart ..was when one of my school friend(4th standard) fooled me for some fitcitious garden in her house. I actually believed she did have one.. But once i visited her house , it turned out she was telling her weired fantasies to me .. Poor and idiot me.. believed her..

I allow people to mutilate and severely damage my heart again and again and again.. and you know what at the end I still convince myself to forgive them.. This nice gal syndrome is actually taking its toll on me now.. I am growing to feel drained and fooled and idiotic.

But for some reason I am stuck to this self. Because I dont know any other way. I am like this only.. Made of clay , ready to melt at any rain of affection from my dear ones.. and a clay who can moulded N no of times and would still be intact.. till one day storm of death takes me away with it.. I have heared my own people scream at me, telling me.. You are so dumb, so foolish, so idiot.. and all I feel for them is.. How I managed to hurt them so bad..

Few Idiots feats of mine…

- I helped a very selfish girl in office. Whom whole office didnt help.. I stoody by her , helped her and later on hear her bitching about me .. And you know what I still dont hate her.. I am no god.. I am just idiot.

- I had stood by a so-called “thief” in my PG, she was cute lil teenage gal, who was studying in some college. Everybody except me claimed she steals things, money and everything else. Where there was a theft , people would suspect Mona.. Then there was this last call for her.. she was asked to leave hostel.. I was only shoulder which had to cry on.. Whole hostel told me ..I was fool to support a thief.. I still did.. I could never believe that gal that innocent can be thief.

- back to college I used to help each adn every ill gal in hostel. I was the only fool to rush them to doctors during exam. Once a gal in my batch had asthama attack.. and we were having very tough exam next day.. Even best of her friend forsook that gal.. But I chipped in.. and borrowed a scooter and took her to doc.. Big thing was I was driving scooter first time..

Everytime i recount these things.. I dont feel bad or good.. I just feel how other think I am idiot.. and how I feel that there is no other way i can behave..

Rock on..

One pleasent and positive change in my life..
I have taken out my painting studio and set it up in my patio. And guess what I have even started sketching landscape on it. Quite an achievment for someone like me.. I have been thinking and thinking and thinking of doing it. I will post the pictures once I am done. I can actually post it even in between stages. Will try one in this week.

I sent some 1-2 hours and my 3 months of thinking was in action. I guess action is more powerful than thinking. It gives more satisfaction and pleasure. Any one of you have any nice card ideas to paint ..please pass on. I want to paint Diwali cards this time myself and post it to everyone. Quite an ambition ..But I am like this only.. Stretching and extending my ownself each and every other breath. that gives me some kind of high.

I am also having one hell of idea about a book. I need to start jotting it down too..
Will pass on some excerpts once done..

HeadSpace and TV

Well those of you who are new to this word.. will have to forgive me.. I have picked it up from some celeb talk.
Still need to verify its correctness. But I liked the word. So I am using it.
I am always the last person for getting glued to TV. I hope none of my family is reading it

My parents would vouch that I can be glued to TV for days. And my spouse would vouch that I have complete disdain for TV. So you can see how much split personality I can be. Well Over the period of time, I have lost apetite for idiot entertainment. You give me some good mental food. I will take it from anywhere. Newspaper, Internet , TV , Gossip, email… just about anywhere… Yesterday I was torturing myself through toooo–elaborate weather news.. I wonder why Americans are so obsessed for weather. I mean so much weather news .. I have never got this who really uses this info. I mean california has stable weather, Why would someone be so paranoid about it. Then whenever you switch news channels, I bet within 5 minute you would encounter a wether word.
Another thing I have grown up to like is celebrity dishing.. Yeah Those stupid E! channel stories.. I like them ..Not for following them.. But to know how much world is unfair.. Some dont have food to eat ..and some have everything to throw away. It helps to put things in perspective. It tells which zone I dont want my life to go in.

Here are some nice quotes about TV.. some are really hilarious.

– All television is educational television. The question is: what is it teaching? ~Nicholas Johnson

- I wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called “brightness,” but that doesn’t work. ~Author Unknown

- Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other. ~Ann Landers

- I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go in the other room and read a book. ~Groucho Marx

- Television has changed a child from an irresistible force to an immovable object. ~Author Unknown

- If you came and you found a strange man… teaching your kids to punch each other, or trying to sell them all kinds of products, you’d kick him right out of the house, but here you are; you come in and the TV is on, and you don’t think twice about it. ~Jerome Singer

- Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn’t have in your home. ~David Frost

- They say that ninety percent of TV is junk. But, ninety percent of everything is junk. ~Gene Roddenberry

- It’s the menace that everyone loves to hate but can’t seem to live without. ~Paddy Chayevsky

- Everything is for the eye these days – TV, Life, Look, the movies. Nothing is just for the mind. The next
generation will have eyeballs as big as cantaloupes and no brain at all. ~Fred Allen

- TV. If kids are entertained by two letters, imagine the fun they’ll have with twenty-six. Open your child’s imagination. Open a book. ~Author Unknown

- Television: chewing gum for the eyes. ~Frank Lloyd Wright

- Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it. ~Alfred Hitchcock

- If it weren’t for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn’t get any exercise at all. ~Joey Adams

- The smallest bookstore still contains more ideas of worth than have been presented in the entire history of television. ~Andrew Ross

- Theatre is life. Cinema is art. Television is furniture. ~Author Unknown

- Do you realize if it weren’t for Edison we’d be watching TV by candlelight? ~Al Boliska

- The triumph of machine over people. ~Fred Allen, about television

You Are 40% Boyish and 60% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle – a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don’t actively fight them. You’re just you. You don’t try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

A day with Nothing

Well very bad of me.. to have abandoned my blog.. I really love blogging. But off late.. not many random thoughts coming to my mind. So my blog was bereft of posts. I can just not write for heck of writing.. Something really need to ring in my head.

Met few interesting aspects of life. One great thing which had always amazed me is… concept of nothing ness… We are nothing without someone, something or somewhere. We all have some such fears in our hearts. Its very easy to say… Conquer your fears and you will be man..(I mean woman.. or whatever) We all have fear and we will always have some. If we could become fearless than that would be state of perfect harmony and stillth in nature. Isnt nature continuously working on something? So I have realized much early in my life, I will live with some fears. Maybe because some I have chosen and some I got. Some fears make me better person and some make me less bad person it works both ways..
Coming back to nothing ness.. When was last time you spent a day with nothing in your hand. With Nothing in your mind. With nothing to do.. I bet you do it once a month.. You will be different person next day. We become such a slave of our civilized inventions that we stop wondering over things we should be living about.

Okk to write some of the “not-so-nothing” things I did on my vacation..I wish i could just take one day and do nothing..

- Where are we going.. Thats so and so is so this and that..
- The next car looks good but can we afford it..
- Why dont buy a house than renting…
- Oh god.. who will cook lunch..
- Who will do groceries..
- Did you iron the clothes..
- I dont have any good jeans..
- got to get car cleaned…
- blah blah blah

If I read it now.. It looks “so-nothing” to me.. Means all useless , repetitive work, not adding any value to quality of my being.
I wish the list was something like this…

- Read that nice book
- painted that canvas
- Played that game
- learnt that musical instruments
- had that long walk
- made that artwork
- visited that museum
……on and on and on…..

Too much outflow on Blog

I have been wondering about it off late. if expressing too much on blogs may drain people inside.I read some blogs where I can see blog owner is sometime writing to please its readers. Or sometimes just to be in online space. The creative and inner urge of thoughts seems to take a back seat.
Personal blogs are like cheap gossip magazines to me, which we all love to read. But never, ever would we like our story to be published here. It’s all double standard for the readers. But then we all live in society which is highly polarized anyway.
I see many personal bloggers washing their dirty linen here online and seek solace in some loyal readers, who will say “I so very feel your pain, blah blah..” I hate people write insignificant loyal remarks just to be in good books. I mean come on!! i don’t want to hear that your kid is doing what…or what ur in-laws are doing to you…or how you feel about your parents.. Its useless for me… What may matter to me, is your piece of experience so that I don’t mess my life like that. Yes we very often read things , which we just cannt associate with. But we still read them..sometime for their cheap entertainment value, sometime for knowing which path we will not allow our life to tread on. Or what repercussion people face for their stupid choices.

I came across people, who just have too much time on their hands to bother about what next person in mall is thinking about them. I will just say…get some work buddy.. You seem too empty to focus on such trivial stuff.. but instead i can see at least 20 people writing to them..,. “I so very feel for you”… Excuse me! but i dont feel for freaky hyper free -people..I just don’t..
Recently I went to Niagra..and that was one dream I cherished for so many years. When I actually saw it, I was disappointed..that is this the Niagra…what is magnificent in this…I mean I am not degrading, but it had huge eloquence in my mind.. That’s what over publicity can do to your mind.

Now coming back to my main point, does writing or thinking too much about oneself, may drain us from inside. I always feel If I think too much about myself, I grow more selfish. So i mostly avoid it. I even have a rule where I dont speak , “I”,”Me”, “Mine” for 60% of my talks in a day. Wether written or spoken. It relieves my mind. I used to read one dating journal very religiously; I was glued to the author’s style. But then I left it suddenly. Somehow I felt that author compusively writing after sometime. She was just writing because it has worked for her. And she has found some 40-50 odd supporters online.. Who are just waiting to write …”I so very…”

It just became monotonous. Then I used to read some Mommy blogs…They were good initially ..I like their style, choice of words and sensitivity…
But then I started feeling..it s so useless to read about…how someone feels about their parents..I mean “Arent we all attached to our parents”..What so great and noble in that..Its supposed to be that way..
I am following some professional Authors’ blogs and some travel journals recently. And I must say. I am loving it for the moment. Whole lack of me, my kid, my spouse and my parent is making me feel..yes this is what I want to read. I want to grow more wise and informed than cheaply entertained.

Just a bit ….

I am going very lazy on this blog now. I hate to do that. I wish i get back to my more frequent rhythm. I loved the idea of blogging. So here is my bit to just keep going..
In last few weeks many ups and downs on outside fringe of life.

- I read about Praveen Babi, A yesteryear Indian actress and her solitary death. I felt bizarre for her end. Just couldn’t get the pieces of how such a wonderful actress fell apart into pieces. How her so called “much-married” boyfriends used her and left her to struggle alone. For my mind, i just dont believe that someone of her intelligence can suddenly become mentally ill. I see grave human manipulation to push someone to that limit. I started hating Mahesh Bhatt, a prominent Bollywood director. I have never liked him before. But didn’t find the need to hate also. With his tactics to use up his relation with Praveen, I could only pity and hate such man. How important it is to pick the right friends, is last thing I could close my mind with.

- This one is more painful true story. I met a colleague in office. Who showed me this . He knew this family and he has met this girl. This is one 7 year old innocent girl, whose brain decided to work against her. I just don’t understand where is destiny, karma and so called meaning of life here..

- Other thought hitting my mind very hard, my colleague who is diagnosed with Colon cancer. For him, life has been playing hide and seek for past 3 years. He first got the disease 3 years back. Then after some treatment, doctors claimed he s out of it. the disease struck again few months back. And now this time its fatal. Doctors told him , 6 more months to go. Now this person sits 3 offices away from me. I haven’t had chance to work with him. But everyday morning, when I see his name plate. My head aches. He has wound up his stuff and gone back to his parents. He came to visit us last week. He just smiled to me in my office. He said, we havent met, but my name is Scott. I for once felt just loss of words. I didn’t know what to tell him. We exchanged pleasantries and just general talks. I felt exhausted in those 5 minutes of talks. What hope you give to someone who knows, He is dying in 6 months. There was sense of “vacuum” in his eyes. I just felt it’s all very unfair.. To take someone’s life at age of 28..
Where is God here….

Overall exhausting few weeks.. And in the whole rut my dear blog is suffering. I just cannt come out of such grave situations. For some reason, my mind just stays there.